


be the first knight again

by corybanticGloom (lalune_et_lesetoiles)



Series: have the time of your life. [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Minor Gamzee Makara/Tavros Nitram, Minor Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Trans Dave, minor John/Roxy, other characters get mentioned at some point, self harm mention, trans!Dave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-23 00:03:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3748117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalune_et_lesetoiles/pseuds/corybanticGloom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>final chapter to this series. does dave ever find karkat?? can karkat forgive dave? oh god the suspense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	be the first knight again

**Author's Note:**

> so this is like, the end guys. we've come all this way for this. warning i didn't edit this at all because i have two major exams i'm supposed to be studying for whoops so if there's anything horrible i mucked up on feel free to lmk

you’re fucking things up just about as hard as you possible can. you’ve got to get your shit together, strider. or, shit, say something at least. this choice babe just kissed you and you just sat there until she stopped, and now you’ve been staring at her for, what? a full minute and a half? what the hell are you supposed to say to her? “hey jade you’re like super hot but i’m totally in love with my probably dead alien boyfriend so could you please get off my bed because i’ve also been having these hallucinations that he’s watching me and he can’t see shit like this going down”. 

that seems like it’s gonna get you shot real fast. oh, god, is she talking? actually, strider, actually you have to get your shit together. 

“…and this is just about the most unacceptable way for you to tell me you don’t reciprocate my feelings!” she’s tearing up, getting all emotional, and you still don’t know what to do, partially because you missed half of what she said. 

“jade, listen, man, i had no idea you still… i just thought we moved on from this a long time ago.” really, you did. 

“Moved on? Moved on from what, Dave? We’ve never even done anything! You flirted with me every single day when we were kids, and then, I see you again, and you act like none of that even happened!” She’s pretty pissed off, fuck. 

“jade, three years happened in-between that. kar-“

“Karkat happened! I know, okay? I know you loved him. I know you still love him! But Dave, I can’t find him. And you’ve been coming out again, and we’ve been hanging out every day, and I just thought…” She trails off, her expression perfectly walking the line of guilty and broken hearted. 

“man, jade, i swear if i could have feels for you, i would.” you don’t know if that even helps.

“Would you? Or would you still just be waiting for him?” She accuses. 

“listen jade, i get that you’re all kinds of upset here, but maybe let’s calm down with being such an asshole about my boyfriend. i know this isn’t exactly easy for you, seeing this perfectly cool guy seemingly single, but i’m not single, okay? one day, he’s gonna find me. or you’re gonna get control of your powers again and-“

“And put all my feelings to the side to find Karkat for you? Do you not see how awful this is for me?” she’s doing that adorable thing where she tries to brush away her tears, but her glasses get in the way so she gets all flustered and starts laughing. 

fuck, it’s things like this that make you think about how much you totally could probably love her, if karkat never existed. he does, though, and you don’t. you really just don’t love her, not like she wants you to. 

“jade, shit, yeah okay that’s pretty fucked up of me, i know. but dude you do realize we’d be terrible together, right? like i know i’m hard not to fall for but can you really see yourself waking up to smuppet ass for the rest of your life?” you try to make things a little comical, keep her laughing. 

“That’s the worst part you idiot, that I know how stupid it is for me to like you! Gosh, Dave, you’re actually the worst!” She doesn’t mean it this time, gives you a big smile, one you believe. 

“have you been doing okay, though? other than pining after my sweet bod? i know i dropped off the face of the earth there for awhile, when you were going through some pretty real shit.” you’ve meant to apologize about this for awhile, might as well put all your shit out on the table now. you hear it’s nice to make a girl cry twice in one day. 

“Oh, Dave, I really know why you couldn’t take care of me anymore. You were with me in the hospital every day for over a year, you never gave yourself a chance to be sad about losing him.” she grabs your hand, in a totally-just-friends way. 

“i took a hardcore approach to being sad though. really just went all in, no fucking around in the shallow end, just taking a dive off the high board right into the is he gonna kill himself pool.” really the only way you know how to apologize is via awful jokes about your serious mental health issues. whoops. 

“Don’t think I didn’t feel the same way when Skaia ripped Bec out of me.” 

you pull the chick in for a hug, because really, what the fuck else are you supposed to do with that? 

“I don’t want you to think I hate you or anything, I really don’t Dave, but I think I need to get out of here for a little while.” She says, untangling herself from your arms. 

“totally acceptable behavior, jade, i one hundred percent only think you hate me a little bit. if you want to leave me some hate mail on the way out i’ll make sure to go down and check my box after you leave. maybe shit in a bag outside my door, set it on fire, really let me know how you feel.” you say it in that deadpan voice that makes her giggle, hit you.

“Ew, Dave, gross, you’re nineteen now time to amp up the humor a little bit.” 

“a perfected humor like this doesn’t need maturity, you’ve just got to get on my level kid” 

“The level of a thirteen year old?”

“ouch, that hurts real deep, now i’m kicking you out. that’s right, scram, run on home.” 

you still here her giggling as the door for the elevator out in the hallway dings. 

shit today has been weird. fuck, the past three years have been weird. 

you never should have left him on that battlefield, and you know it. you knew he’d never forgive you going into it. but jade was unconscious, and jack was there, and god doesn’t he know you’re a knight? you weren’t going to let her die. he seemed down with the situation, relatively speaking, till you got stabbed. the getting stabbed thing was kind of a bummer for both of you. and john, being the wonderful sweet innocent precious bonehead that he is, went ahead and beat the game right then and there, as you lay bleeding in karkat’s arms, little shit’s tears getting all over your face. 

he wasn’t torn away from you in a big flash. there wasn’t any light, or sound, no screaming and protesting. one second he’s there holding you, commanding you not to die, and the next you’re on the ground alone, jade and rose and john huddled around you. you spent a good five minutes crying and apologizing to karkat, shouting his name into the sky, knowing damn well he couldn’t hear you, waiting for death to take you. 

and then you heard rose laughing. took her a good minute and a half to calm her shit down enough to explain what the fuck about this situation was so hilarious, and at the end of it she just ended up pointing at your healed-wound saying “it wasn’t even lethal, you’re such a drama queen”. they still haven’t entirely stopped making fun of you for that shit. pretty damn uncool. you’re just glad your teen bro wasn’t standing around next to you when it happened. 

you log onto pesterchum, see if anyone’s bothered you today. a bunch of unread messages from rose. what’s got you all up in my business, ectosister? 

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
TT: Hey Dave  
TT: I’m not sure you’ll even get these in time for it to matter.  
TT: Should you be reading this after the event takes place, let me know if I should make sure Jade is alright.  
TT: Alternatively if nothing transpires, feel free to ignore all this.  
TT: Jade is heading over to your apartment.  
TT: I have reason to believe her intentions are of a romantic nature.  
TT: Let her down easy, Dave.  
TT: She might be doing better than, oh, you are, but she’s still a mess.  
TT: Get back to me. 

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TG: yo rose  
TG: once again the seer of light is right  
TG: i think jades good though  
TG: maybe you should go see her  
TG: rose?  
TG: you always have your phone on where the fuck are you  
TG: whatever 

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

it probably wouldn’t have made a difference if you’d gotten her messages. it’s not like you were completely oblivious about jade’s feelings for you. maybe it would have saved you from this guilt pitting in your stomach. it’s not even guilt about jade, because fuck that, right brain? fuck feeling guilty about something that makes sense. nope, good ol’ strider head feels like it cheated on karkat. you didn’t initiate the kiss, and you haven’t seen him in three years, but yup, totally cheated. 

you somehow ended up back in your bed, head in your hands. you’ve spent way too much fucking time like this these past few years. you had your shit together, at first. real together. helped everyone integrate themselves into this weird new earth society. researched a shit ton with rose and dirk, trying to find flaws in Skaia. admittedly you spent most of your time with jade. she was not okay when bec was torn out of her soul, gamzee level out of control. 

you lost your shit when she got hers back together. in your head, she was going to recover and find the trolls instantly. she did get better, but she never got control of her powers again, not anything like she used to. she fixed your chest, got the fuck rid of those god awful breasts, but she’s afraid of the sky. space- outer space- is beyond her, now. 

you couldn’t handle that shit. so you locked yourself in your room for the better part of two years. 

and then that mother fucking day happened. 

oh shit, TT again. 

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
TT: I’m not sure how you managed it, Strider, but you’ve managed to break a girl’s heart and fix it all in the same day. I’d call you a master of romance if I thought you’d done any of this on purpose.  
TG: hey, fuck you lalonde, i know exactly how to handle the ladies.  
TT: Oh, yes, seeing as you’ve had so much experience with them.  
TG: keep laughing at how gay i am rose, whatever. see how fast i can throw that back in your face.  
TG: seriously though, jade is okay?  
TT: Yes, for the most part. She’s been through worse.  
TG: haven’t we the fuck all?  
TT: Listen, Dave, what’s been going on with you lately?  
TG: i’ve been getting out and about rose. thought you’d be happy i decided to venture into the outside world again.  
TT: You know that isn’t what I mean. I am in regular contact with John and Roxy.  
TG: wanna check out this drawing i made  
TT: Yes, sure brother, please show me your artwork, I am completely distracted and have forgotten my former train of thought.  
TG: word yeah i’m kind of a master manipulator of conversations, bask in my glory.  
TT: Dave.  
TG: didn’t we already have this conversation.  
TT: That’s still the story you’re going with, then.  
TG: not really sure why any of you have any doubts about anything anymore  
TG: hasn’t this whole experience at least taught you to be a believer?  
TT: It’s just, Dave… we have no reason to believe he had any control of his aspect’s powers.  
TT: None of the other trolls have attempted to use theirs. Why would he?  
TG: you mean kanaya.  
TT: Yes, I do.  
TG: i swear he’s watching me man  
TT: And I still think you should consult with a psychologist regarding your severe paranoia.  
TG: yeah i’ll get right on that  
TG: but first dirk is hitting me up  
TG: oh shucks i guess we’ll have to finish this another time  
TG: brb  
TT: I hope you can hear me sighing through the computer. 

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
TT: So Roxy tells me some shit is going down with you am I supposed to pull out the big brother card here or what?  
TG: nah man rose is already all over that shit  
TT: Oh good, she’s more responsible than I am.  
TT: Really though what the fuck is going on with you.  
TT: Roxy and John have been talking about you more than they’ve been having sex.  
TT: And honestly I preferred overhearing the latter.  
TG: man i still can’t believe egbert managed to score with my teen mom.  
TT: He’s got more game than English.  
TG: you’d know all about that  
TT: Okay, okay, we could talk about my sex life all day. Give me something to tell John and Roxy so they’ll shut the fuck up.  
TG: man i’ve explained this shit to everyone like six times  
TT: So you’re still going with the “my estranged alien boyfriend is spying on me with magic powers” story  
TG: yup  
TT: Word.  
TT: So what the fuck is up with you needing John or Roxy around all the time.  
TT: Interrupting their romance and shit.  
TG: fuck hold on  
TG: rose won’t shut the fuck up

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

tentacleTherapst [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
TT: So remember ten minutes ago when I didn’t believe you?  
TG: no what are you talking about  
TG: that was so long ago  
TG: gonna have to spark my memory  
TT: While I would normally be amenable to your ridiculous antics  
TT: From the information I just received from Roxy  
TT: You were right about everything  
TG: what  
TT: They’re here  
TT: The trolls are here  
TG: are you fucking with me  
TG: this is a pretty low joke  
TT: You need to come down to Roxy’s now.  
TG: shit  
TG: you’re serious  
TG: are you there yet are they ok  
TT: She just called me, I’m about to leave my apartment.  
TG: you’ll get there so much sooner than i will shit  
TG: let me know he’s ok  
TT: You got it.  
TG: hey rose wait  
TT: What?  
TG: it’s happening  
TT: I know. 

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] 

what the fuck is happening today. the trolls are here? actually right the fuck here on earth? oh my god, dave, you have to get your shit together. get your cape on. no, no, fuck you don’t wear your cape anymore, seriously get your shit together dave, just put your normal fucking clothes on. 

you’re standing by your door with your shoes in your hands, completely incapable of remembering the step between “bare feet” and “wearing shoes” when you remember that shit, you can fly, you don’t need to remember how to wear shoes, you just have to get the fuck to karkat. you open a window, hop out, beeline for Roxy’s apartment at the edge of the city. 

you’re halfway there when your phone starts buzzing. rose is calling you. 

“yo rose tell me all about how these trolls grew up. is karkat still fucking short?” your heart is racing. really you just want her to put him on the phone. 

“Dave, where are you?” She sounds like she’s trying to stay calm. 

“what’s wrong.” fuck, of course something’s wrong. 

“Just get here.” 

“rose is he dead? is he fucking dead?” 

“He’s missing”

“missing”

“Missing.”

“since the fuck when”

“Half an hour, apparently.” 

“where the fuck did they lose him”

“According to Kanaya’s description of the area, John’s park” 

“meet me the fuck there”

you don’t really remember how you get there. one minute you’re hovering in the air above a bunch of buildings, the next you’re standing on that grassy goddamn hill. the first thing you see is the clown. he’s not wearing makeup anymore, but once a juggalo always a fucking juggalo. 

somehow you’ve got him by the front of his shirt, pulled up close enough to your face so he can feel your angry spit ricochet off his nose. 

“i don’t know what the fuck is going on here, gamzee, but i know it’s somehow your fault. shit is always your fault with him.” you shake him around a little before rose and kanaya run up behind you, start pulling at your arms.

“Dave, I Know It’s Difficult To Forgive Him, But He’s Clean Now. Look At His Face Dave, Put Gamzee Down.” kanaya’s voice has grown more commanding over the past few years. almost makes you want to listen to her.

“Seriously, put him down. I brought him here for a reason, Dave.” rose sounds a little pissed at you. 

you put the clown back on the ground, shrug the girls off your arms, keep a hand on his shirt. behind you, you hear someone that sounds suspiciously like sollux laughing. 

“fine gamzee. why are you here? want to explain how this isn’t your fault?” man, you had no idea you could hang on to hate for this long. 

“I kNoW yOu All uP aNd ThInK iM a MurDeReR, wHiCh i gUeSs iSnT sO wROnG, bUt sHiTs dIfFeReNt nOw, kArkAts GoT mY tHinKpAn oN sTrAiGhT aGaIn.” 

“someone tell me what the fuck is going on” you’re ready to strife the next motherfucker who is even slightly unclear with you.

“Oh my god, thriider, thut up and liithen. Vantath got uth here all thafe and thound, but he thpooked the thecond we landed on Earth. He’th here, thomewhere. Jutht have to find him.” 

“what the fuck spooked him?” 

“yOu DiD, kNiGhT bRoThEr.” 

“excuse me?” you’ve got him up in the air again. you hear a “what” come out of the three behind you, too. apparently this is new information. 

“hEaRd hIm aLL uP AnD YeLLiNg aBouT yOu BeForE wE CaMe hErE. cG sAw yOu kIsSinG tHe sPaCe cHiCk. pRobAbLy sHouLdnT hAve uP AnD dOnE tHat wItH hIm wAtChinG”

fuck. fuck, he was watching, fuck, no.

“Dave Is That True?” kanaya kind of looks like she might kill you now. 

“no. yes. yeah, yeah, jade kissed me, but i didn’t kiss her back, fuck, fuck, fuck.” yeah this is pretty much worst case scenario. 

“Wow thriider, you fucked thiith up pretty bad” sollux is still laughing. 

“okay, first of all fucking bipolar boy, maybe you shouldn’t be the one talking about fucking karkat over, asshole. i’ve wanted to kick your ass for about six years now, you want that dream to become a reality for me today?” 

“Karkat and I have talked through all that.” he tries to defend himself. 

“hE hAsN’T rEaLLy goTTeN ovEr iT soLLuX” 

“What? Are you theriious?” 

“no shit he hasn’t gotten over it, you self absorbed prick”

“Hey, ii wathn’t the one making out with the one perthon that would hurt hiim more than anything” 

“Boys, Maybe Now Isn’t The Best Time For This?” 

y’all are embarrassing yourselves.

“no, fuck, you’re right, we have to find him, we have to find him right the fuck now.” 

you hop the fuck in the air immediately, start scanning the forest for any trace of your idiot boyfriend. 

twenty four hours. twenty four fucking hours you spend looking for your boyfriend. you have to give the kid credit, he can disappear when he wants to. granted, he’s almost definitely relying on his blood powers to avoid you at all costs. 

rose disappeared for a few hours, forced you to come inside for the night when she got back, has you sitting on the couch with a blanket around your shoulders and a coffee in your hands like you’re a goddamn crime victim. you’re all at roxy’s place, all the humans and the trolls, everyone trying to catch up and figure out what the fuck was going on with karkat. you feel pretty shitty for ruining this reunion, especially for fucking kanaya and rose. the two chicks haven’t taken their hands off each other this entire time, and you swear you haven’t seen rose this happy, ever. 

“H3’S GONN4 COM3 B4CK, D4V3. C4N YOU HON3STLY 1M4G1N3 V4NT4S OUT TH3R3 ON H1S OWN FOR MOR3 TH4N 4 F3W D4YS?” tz has been surprisingly supportive about this whole thing. not that she hasn’t been teasing you mercilessly. you’d be terrified if the chick was only being nice to you. 

“he’s never gonna forgive me for this tz. even if i find him.” you hopped right on the self pity train this morning. 

“YOU FUCK3D UP PR3TTY B4D STR1D3R” she’s only sort of kidding. 

“i didn’t even kiss her. fuck. if i’d known he was watching i’d have clocked jade or some shit” you don’t mean it, but if he’s watching you right now, you want him to hear you say it. 

“BULLSH1T, W3 4LL KNOW YOU’R3 TOO N1C3 TO H1T A G1RL. PLUS SH3’D KICK YOUR 4SS.” man, it’s good to see that grin after all these years. 

which reminds you of something else you haven’t done in years. 

“hey, wait, what time did you guys come in?” 

“HMM, SM3LL3D L1K3 NOON. WH- NO. COOLK1D, NO, NO, TH1S 1S NOT 4 GOOD 1D34. D4V3… D4V3 DON’T G1V3 M3 TH4T LOOK” she looks about ready to grab you, so you flash step backwards, then step backwards in time, check your watch. 

11:45, one day ago. today, now. okay. cool. plenty of time to fly your ass up to that field, stop karkat from flipping the fuck out. you perch yourself in a tree overlooking the clearing they landed in, swing your feet in anticipation. terezi was right, as usual. at 12pm on the dot, twelve grey trolls and- holy shit, is that jack noir? he has not been hanging out at roxy’s with the rest of you. someone seriously needs to track him down, what the fuck trolls.

but fuck that for now. karkat matters now. oh, god, there he is. you’re twenty feet back, but you see him, you see him for the first time in three years and you swear if you weren’t so focused on making sure he doesn’t run away you’d melt into a puddle just thinking about the few inches he’s grown and the ten pounds he’s lost. 

is he- flash stepping? to get away from you? oh my god, you hope he knows how fucking ironic that is. and how futile, now that you’re here watching him. you chase after him, get a general idea where he’s headed and then, when you can see him tired and shaking, make a move to out run him, step out in front of him, look your boyfriend in the goddamn eye for the first time in over three years. 

“hey karkitty. going somewhere?” you’re standing there posing with your hand on your hip, smile on your face. probably you should be being serious, but god, his teeth are poking out over his huge frown, eyes bulging out of their sockets, and he can’t stop shaking, shit you missed his violent angry shaking. 

you should have seen the punch coming, but even if you had, you probably deserve it when his fist collides with your jaw. either you’ve gotten weaker or he’s been working out because god damn that hurts. 

“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, NOOK STAIN SCUM BAG” you’ve never seen him quite this feral before. kid’s crouched down in a fighting stance, claws up in the air, teeth bared. 

“dude, listen, i know what you saw, okay? i know you’re pissed, of course you’re pissed, but karkat just shut up and listen to me.” you put your hands up, want him to know you aren’t gonna fight back. you’re being serious here. 

“OH, SO IT’S JUST A COINCIDENCE THAT I SAW YOU MAKING OUT WITH THE SAME CHICK YOU DITCHED ME FOR IN THE NEW SESSION? IT WOULDN’T BE SO BAD IF I HADN’T TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, BUT I DID, I TOLD YOU A FUCKING THOUSAND TIMES BUT HERE WE THE FUCK ARE ANYWAY, AREN’T WE? IT’S FINE, STRIDER, DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP TOO HARD, I BLAME MYSELF TOO. I LITERALLY SAW THIS SHIT COMING AND WALKED THE FUCK INTO IT ANYWAY.” he’s screaming right in your face, and god, you know you should be scared, or angry, or devastated, but you’re none of those things. you’re just so fucking happy he’s right in front of you. 

“karkat do you realize that you’re standing right the fuck in front of me” okay, not the smoothest line there strider. maybe try thinking a little harder before speaking in the future. 

“YEAH, YEAH THE FUCK I DO” he pushes you again, doesn’t try to run away. you can tell he wants to kick your ass. 

“karkat i didn’t kiss her okay?” you grab him by the shoulders, and he just looks at you like he’s in shock. 

“RIGHT, SEE, THING IS DAVE, YOU DID, I SAW YOU.” you’ve never seen him like this before. now you’re actually beginning to freak out a little bit. 

“we were kissing man, okay, we were, but it wasn’t me who did it, chick just came all up in my room and kissed me and then we had this whole big talk about how that’s never gonna happen again because i’m in love with you, asshole. we’re actually having that conversation right the fuck now. want me to fly us over, check it out for yourself?” you grip his shoulders tighter, you swear to god you won’t let him slip away again.

“WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? ALL I GOT FROM THAT WHOLE FUCKING SPEECH IS THAT YOU’RE A LIAR WHO MIGHT ALSO BE OUT OF HIS FUCKING THINKPAN.” he tries to push you back, but you don’t let go. 

“no, oh, okay, so i’m future dave. like a day from now dave. current dave is out looking for you, like, right the fuck now. honestly, we should get out of here if we want to avoid him. which we do. because i didn’t find us yesterday.” you smile, squeezing his shoulders a little bit. you’re being totally inappropriate and you know it, but you’re way to fucking happy to be touching this kid, even if he hates you. 

“ARE YOU, ARE YOU BEING FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?” his mouth is agape. troll is practically speechless. 

“unless you’re interested in having this conversation with two daves. and also creating a paradox.” you really aren’t in the mood for a paradox. 

“JESUS SHIT, FINE. FINE DAVE, TAKE ME SOMEWHERE THAT PAST DAVE ISN’T GOING TO LOOK, SO THAT WE CAN CONTINUE THIS ARGUMENT WITHOUT THE ADDITION OF ANOTHER PERSON I’LL HAVE TO HIT IN THE FACE.” he shrugs away from you, tries to cross his arms, but you grab him by the hand and flash step the both of you to the one place you know past dave definitely did not look- your apartment. 

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BROUGHT ME HERE. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FUCKING BROUGHT ME HERE, THIS IS, FUCK, THIS IS TOO MUCH DAVE, I JUST WANT TO LEAVE.” he does, you can tell, you can see it in his eyes, he wants to run. 

“no, karkat, just listen to me.” you don’t want to sound like you’re begging, but you’re not above begging. 

“WHAT THE FUCK COULD YOU POSSIBLY SAY TO ME TO MAKE THIS BETTER? YOU KISSED HER HERE, LIKE HALF AN HOUR AGO. I SAW YOU.” his anger is turning into heartbreak, you can hear it. you know how to diffuse angry karkat, you’ve done it a thousand times. you have no idea what to do with heartbroken karkat. 

“she kissed me kar. i didn’t kiss her back. i told her i was still in love with you.” you haven’t let go of his hand, you can’t. 

“THAT DOESN’T… THAT ISN’T ENOUGH, DAVE, THAT’S NOT ALL I’M PISSED ABOUT. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME? HAVE YOU EVEN TRIED LOOKING FOR ME?” he looks like he might angry cry. fuck. 

“yeah, no, i fucked up there. there was nothing i could do with my time powers dude, so i threw all my energy into fixing up jade. she’s space girl you know? but then she didn’t get better, and i fell the fuck apart bro. i shouldn’t have, i shouldn’t have fucked up like that.” really, you shouldn’t have. you promised him you’d try to find him, and you never did, not really. 

“YOU SWORE, DAVE. YOU SWORE YOU’D TEAR THE UNIVERSE APART.” the accusatory tone is killing you. 

“karkat there was nothing i could do. how the fuck did you guys even get here?” really, you want to know. 

“THAT DOESN’T- UGH, FINE. ONCE I STARTED USING MY BLOOD POWERS, KANAYA AND EQUIUS WE ABLE TO PINPOINT EARTH IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE, MOVE US THROUGH SPACE AND VOID. IT WAS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT, BUT NOW REALLY ISN’T THE FUCKING TIME TO-“

“wait what the fuck do you mean ‘once you started’?” you’re gonna strife the shit out of him if he’s being a hypocrite right now, trying to call you out for not finding him if he just started trying to find you. 

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT” oh, he’s dead.

“when did you start looking for me karkat. you, personally.” you cross your arms. 

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU EXPECT ME TO TRY TO SEE YOU IF I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING DEAD.” 

“answer my question karkat.” 

“A MONTH AGO.” 

a month ago. a mother fucking month ago? okay, now you’re pissed. 

“it took you three years to even check to see if i was alive? are you seriously trying to talk shit about me for trying to get our space player- the only chick in our session who actually had a chance of finding you- back to health when you wouldn’t even look to see if i was fucking alive?” fuck karkat right now. 

“OH, GOOD, LET’S TALK ABOUT JADE AGAIN. ALWAYS BACK TO JADE RIGHT? JADE WHO TOTALLY KISSED YOU ON THE MOUTH, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. JADE WHO YOU HAD TO HANG OUT WITH ALL THE NOOK SUCKING TIME BECAUSE SHE’S THE ONLY HOPE! JADE WHO YOU ABANDON YOUR BOYFRIEND FOR IN THE NEW SESSION TO CHASE AFTER, JUST HAD TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS SAFE! FUCK IF YOUR BOYFRIEND IS SAFE, RIGHT? FUCK IF YOU’RE SAFE.” he’s welling up, sarcasm spitting out of his mouth like fire. he pokes you in the chest at the end of every sentence, makes your blood boil. 

“what, i was supposed to let her die karkat?” fuck that. 

“I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WOULD DIE IF YOU CHASED HER. I TOLD YOU I WOULD DIE IF YOU CHASED HER.” he’s got you backed against a wall, gesturing furiously with his hands. 

“we didn’t though. it wasn’t the session you saw, dude, it was a completely different situation.” that’s probably a pretty weak defense. you’re probably an asshole. 

“YOU WERE GOING TO LET ME DIE FOR HER” he hits you in the chest.

“you weren’t going to die. i was never gonna let you die. i’d have gone back in time, saved you or some shit.” you would have. you mean it. 

“YOU GOT STABBED. YOU WERE DYING.” he grabs you by the shirt, pins you to the wall.

“turns out it was actually more of a flesh wound” you try to shrug. his nails digging into your ribs hurt like hell. 

“I FUCKING USED MY BLOOD POWERS THE SECOND I GOT TORN AWAY FROM YOU, JACKASS. THAT WAS NOT A FLESH WOUND. THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE, YOU WERE SCREAMING MY FUCKING NAME, YOU WERE DYING, I SAW YOU DYING.” now he’s actually crying, shaking you, slamming you into the wall. 

“nah, turns out i’m just a little dramatic.” you smile the biggest fucking smile you can muster. 

“I FUCKING HATE YOU, DAVE STRIDER.” 

he drops you and your feet hit the ground with a thud. and then he’s got his hands on you again, shoving you up against the wall, claws on your throat. you don’t see it coming when he throws his lips against yours after letting out the most frustrated scream you’ve ever heard, and it takes you longer than you’d like to admit to react. 

for a good thirty seconds you stand there, dumbfounded, feeling his lips crash into yours, his teeth purposefully nipping at your mouth. his hands are everywhere, aggressive, pushing at your chest, squeezing your biceps, pulling the back of your head in towards his. it’s only when they make their way to your glasses, literally snap the things in half in front of your face while he pulls back for a second, just watching your fucking expression, that you realize he’s kissing you. and then you’re motherfucking in it. 

you keep your eyes open when you lean back in, lips mashing together with his. his mouth his hot and wet and tastes like your blood, already. you missed his tongue. shit, you missed his long fucking tongue invading your mouth, wrestling your teeth. you want to touch him, feel his body, see how much he’s grown, but when your hands finally move it’s only to cup his face. god, that face. his cheekbones jut out into your palms, eye sockets sinking into his skull where the tips of your fingers rest. 

you hook one of your legs around his thighs, pulling him into the wall with you. he falls a little off balance, swears into your mouth, pulls one of his hands off your ass and slams it into the wall by your head to stop the two of you from falling over. he opens his dark fucking eyelids to meet your gaze, and parts his lips just long enough to hiss out the most violent “FUCK YOU” you’ve ever heard, and then you’re being ripped from the wall, shoved onto your bed. 

karkat doesn’t waste any time tearing your clothes off. it takes him about fifteen seconds to claw through your shirt until it’s just mangled threads underneath your torso. he stares at your chest for a minute, slowing down to think, when another wave of aggression overtakes him and he claws the shit out of your pecs. it’s bleeding, like a lot, but he doesn’t give you much time to think about it before his hand is down your pants, finger rubbing circles around your clit. you make him move his arm long enough to take of his shirt, unbutton both of your pants, throw all your shit on the floor like it’s garbage. 

then it’s just skin and flesh and dave and karkat. 

his bulge is out already, thrashing up against your clit, and you swear it’s gotten bigger. his hands are back to destroying your body, scratching your back, putting pressure against your throat, pulling your hair. his mouth has moved on from kissing you to biting a series of puncture wounds into your neck and shoulders, and, god, if his tentacle didn’t feel so good between your legs you swear you might be in pain. 

“YOU’RE THE BIGGEST DOUCHE BAG I’VE EVER MET” 

his insults shouldn’t turn you on so much. 

you wrap your legs around him, shut out that part of your head that really, really wishes you had different genitalia, grab him by his nubby fucking horns and smash your lips together again. you’re still kissing, sloppy and hard, when his bulge enters you. you groan into his mouth- he didn’t take his time with it, just went in full force, still so fucking angry, god, god you need to fuck him. 

“FUCK YOU DAVE” 

and then he’s moving your knees up to your ears, kneeling in front of you with his bulge still inside of you, fucking you from an angle that’s literally making you scream his name. he’s looking for a fight, and he’s gonna get one. 

you try out the aggressive sex thing yourself, flip upright and pin him against a wall, once again praising jesus for the flexibility of tenta-dicks because that shit is still inside you. 

“you want it rough, kitkat?” you try to throw him a sexy smirk, but you have a feeling you look like a doofus. 

“NO. I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT ROUGH.” he grabs you by the throat, spins the two of you around until you’re once again the one with your back to the wall. 

fuck, though, fuck, like this, with both your legs wrapped around his waist being held up by nothing but his claws on your neck, you don’t mind so much that he’s completely dominating you. if a fight fuck is helping him work out some of his anger towards you, let’s fucking do this. 

you let karkat fuck you into the wall, let him leave bruises all over your throat, moan every time he sinks his teeth into you, tell him how beautiful he is when he tells you how much he hates you. you’ve missed this, his warm silky skin enveloping you, your hands running down his back, tracing every vertebrae in his emaciated frame, cupping that ass, and the nook, fuck, fuck you missed his nook. 

he lets out a few words in alternian when you slip your fingers inside of him, and it throws you over the edge. you’re gasping for breath, his hand still around your neck, everything inside of you welling up with blood like a volcano. you can feel yourself pulsing around his bulge, know he’s coming too when bites you one more time to muffle his voice as genetic material begins spilling onto your fingers, down both your legs. you’re both like that for a few moments, caught in orgasm, before he puts you back on the ground. you’re going to wipe off your hand when you notice it. 

“uhh karkles, let’s not panic or anything, but are you bleeding bro? my hand, it’s covered in… your cum usually isn’t this dark, karkat, what’s going on.” you’re kind of freaking out. 

his face had just started to relax, but the second he saw that color his visage went from calm to devastated to furious in the span of fifteen seconds. 

“NO, NO, NO, FUCK NO, FUCK YOU STRIDER, FUCK YOU.” 

“dude what’s going on, should i call someone?” 

“IT’S CALIGINOUS” 

“what”

“THIS GENETIC MATERIAL, THIS FUCKING GENETIC MATERIAL IS CALIGINOUS” 

“is that even a thing” 

“I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU MADE ME CALIGINOUS FOR YOU, STRIDER. FUCK THIS, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU” 

he puts on his clothes so fast you don’t have time to ask him to explain, to make him stay. you’re just naked in your room, alone, covered in apparently fucking caliginous troll cum and wow, wow, wow dave, you’ve actually lost him, you’ve actually fucked this completely up. 

you don’t cry a lot. or at all really. rose actually tells you it’s a problem, thinks you have ptsd or some shit. but fuck, you’re crying now, crying like a baby, just heavy sobs curled into a puddle of sticky troll jizz on the floor. 

you know she’s busy helping current-dave, or past-dave, or what the fuck ever, but you reach for your phone, call rose, you don’t know what else to do, literally can’t think of a god damn thing. 

“Um, Dave? Excuse me for being confused here, but you’re about twenty feet in front of me and are not on your phone.” She sounds perplexed. 

“man, rose, fuck, can you come to my apartment, just sneak the fuck away rose please, don’t tell past dave, past dave doesn’t need to deal with this shit yet.” you’re still crying, she probably couldn’t understand half of that. 

“Past Dave? Oh, Strider, okay, of course. Give me ten minutes. Dave? Dave? Hello?” She’s really stressing. 

“yo” it’s all you can get out.

“Are you okay?” she knows you’re not okay, obviously. she wants to know if you’re like, dying or some shit. 

“nah sis not so much” 

she hangs up immediately. you’re glad it takes her the full ten minutes to get there because you’re just managing to drag yourself back into your boxers when she arrives. the second she’s inside, she has you out in your living room wrapped in a blanket, crouched down in front of you like you won’t realize she’s there if she’s not looking directly into your eyes. which, in her defense, maybe you wouldn’t. 

“Dave, what happened?” she doesn’t press you any further, but she doesn’t have to. 

“i went back in time, found him before he ran off.” 

“And things went poorly.” 

“can you explain troll cum to me” 

“That’s- Dave, honestly I don’t even have a comeback for that, it’s honestly the most bizarre distraction tactic I’ve ever heard you attempt” 

“no, really, seriously, what the fuck is caliginous cum” 

“You mean… you’ve never seen it before? Trolls release two different types of genetic material, flushed or caliginous, depending on the nature of the relationship. I just, you and Karkat used to argue so much, I’d just assumed you seen them both…” 

“what do they look like” 

“Er, well, without getting too graphic, and going from my personal experience, caliginous is the color of their blood, or darker. Flushed is usually clear, maybe with a tint of their blood color.” 

“i’ve never seen either of those.” 

“What? Dave, I don’t think that’s possible.” 

“he was always in-between. he was always both.” 

“So, you actually had achieved a quadrant-less relationship? We know you two talked about it, we just never thought you were quite accurate… always just assumed you were fluctuating rapidly” 

“nope” 

“So, then, what happened here?”

“you saw the bedroom rose. he hates me. i made him hate me, and he left. i just got hate fucked.” 

“It’s not, Dave, it’s not like with humans. It wasn’t just a ‘hate fuck’. Caliginous love is still love.” she tries to put an arm around you, but you shrink away. 

“rose i can’t do this” 

you’ve never really been one to say you can’t do things. when beta bro would ask to strife, you’d go up to the roof and do your best not to get your ass kicked every time. when you thought you had to steal that egg from your sprite to get into the game, you climbed that goddamn tower. when you had to face bec noir- even after saying you didn’t want to- you fucking went up against that mother fucker. when everyone around you, including rose, lost their shit when y’all got re-spawned on this new earth, you didn’t fall apart. 

but this, you can’t do. 

you can’t lose karkat vantas.

you lose it, totally, completely lose your cool kid, break down into unwavering sobs, cry into rose’s shirt for an hour. she forces water into you, coaxes you into a shower. you make her sit on the toilet while you wash off because you’re actually fucking terrified of the thoughts that will creep into your head when you’re alone. she puts on some tv for you, cleans up your room while you try to pay even vague attention to the plot, and holds you for another few hours when you start with your heaving tears again. at some point she drags you to bed, covers you up. its right around then that you realize how fucking pathetic you’re being, holy shit, thank god rose is the only one here. 

“yo sis, you have to go. you’re the one who calls off the hunt for karkat tonight. you’ve gotta get back to everyone.” you tell her, trying to pull your shit together. 

“Should I come by after?” 

“no, it’ll be cool, i’ve just gotta sleep this off, you dig?” you were trying way too hard to be casual there. fuck. 

“Dave, are nights like this the reason you’ve had John and Roxy coming over, using their powers?” chick is too insightful, fuck. 

“i knew karkat was watching me. for awhile that was pretty chill, got me back into seeing people, you know? then it hit me, i might never see him again. didn’t want him watching me cry and shit.” 

“Why not?” 

“he’d blame himself. and it wasn’t his fault. it was mine.” 

“Should I send one of them over when I get back?”

“he’s not watching me anymore.” 

you roll over, face your wall, let her leave in silence. you don’t move from your bed for three days. 

a week into your pity party, you text rose, ask her if any one found karkat. yeah, they have, with spades slick. 

at least he isn’t dead. 

john comes over that night. he comes over every night. usually you tell him to fuck off, so today he’s brought the mayor with him. he knows you can’t resist that guy’s face. seems like your fucking teen bro tagged along too. 

“Hey Dave! We brought some movies! Ones you might actually like!” you look up at john through your new shades, feeling a bit too defeated to move. 

“Get your ass out of bed kid, Sollux and I found a way to download some of your SBAHJ movies from my timeline” dirk tells you, and you actually do smile. 

“still can’t believe you and fucking jake got those tattoos, bro” you’re laughing, a little, letting the mayor pull you out of bed by the hand. 

“It was ironic, asshole” dirk says.

“Dirk, no one believes that! Now shut up and make some popcorn!” see, this is why john fucking egbert is your best friend. aside from the mayor, obviously. 

you totally let the mayor cuddle the shit out of you on the sofa. it almost makes you feel better to have his little head in your lap while you genuinely do laugh your ass off at post-scratch dave’s one hundred percent genius filmmaking. 

as they’re leaving, you pull john aside.

“hey, man, i just have to know, have you seen him?” 

john looks between you and the door, like he’s thinking pretty seriously about just absconding. 

“Yeah, Dave. He’s been hanging out with us.” 

fuck, good, at least the kid isn’t killing himself. 

“is he okay”

“He’s-“

“You really need to talk to your troll boyfriend Dave, I swear I’ll kick his ass if I hear your name come out of his mouth one more goddamn time. Glad to see shitty romantic choices run in the family” dirk cuts off john, laying down the law. 

you don’t know if that makes you feel better or worse. 

you’re sitting at your computer that night after they leave, a big improvement from the laying in your bed you’ve been doing the rest of the week, when someone begins pestering you. 

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  
GG: Hi Dave  
GG: I just wanted to say I’m really sorry I messed all of this up for you.  
GG: I’m trying to fix it, I swear.  
TG: jade calm the shit down  
TG: none of this is your fault  
GG: I shouldn’t have kissed you.  
TG: i shouldn’t have let you fall for me like this, kid.  
GG: Oh, Dave, honestly shut the fuck up!  
GG: I made my own choices, knowing exactly how you feel about Karkat!  
GG: Can you just let me apologize?  
TG: nah man not gonna let you feel guilty about my alien boyfriend flipping his shit.  
GG: I tried talking to him today.  
TG: jade what  
TG: he’s talking to you  
GG: Well sort of. Gosh, honestly Dave, even after all this time it’s still so frustrating for me that the clouds don’t show me what’s going to happen anymore! This false sense of free will has me very confused about what I should be saying to who.  
TG: right but what did you say to him  
GG: That everything was my fault.  
TG: and what did he say  
TG: not that i agree with you  
TG: because for the record i don’t  
GG: He said he knows. And then sort of walked away in an angry huff.  
TG: i’m gonna kill him  
TG: jade our relationship problems are not your fault ok  
TG: jade? 

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

okay, you know that jade probably shouldn’t have kissed you when she knew you weren’t into her, but it’s not even that big of a fucking deal. the rest of it, the you not looking for karkat, you chasing after her in the new session, none of that was her fault. he can’t say shit like that to her, the chick is too fragile to begin with. 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
TG: hey asshole  
TG: you can caliginous hate fuck me all you want  
TG: but we both know it’s bullshit for you to go telling jade this shit is her fault  
TG: and just for the record, bro  
TG: i’m not saying this because i’m in love with her or whatever bullshit you’re thinking  
TG: i’m saying this because you’re stepping way over the chill line  
TG: the chill line is way the fuck back on Alternia  
TG: and you’re over here being a huge dick  
TG: so how about you calm the fuck down and just hurt me with your hate love alien crap instead of fucking with my friends

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

being annoyed with karkat gives you the motivation to get off your ass and go outside later in the week. the one nice thing about having your entire past painted in the clouds above your head is that most of the citizens of this weird-as-shit earth let you kids do whatever the fuck you want. treat you kind of like gods walking among them. which you actually are, so it’s a pretty chill scenario. 

it only takes two weeks for you to run into karkat on the street. you’re surprised it doesn’t happen sooner, considering you’re both friends with the same exact group of fucking people. you’re leaving one of dirk’s dj sets when it happens, rounding the corner to head over to his and jake’s apartment when you see egbert and vantas apparently intending to go to the same place. 

“Dave, Dirk! Hey, I didn’t know you guys were coming over. We were just going to watch a movie…” john goes on, uncomfortable, but you totally tune him out, just staring karkat the fuck down. you’re doing your best to remain completely stoic, which is clearly pissing him off judging by all that teeth grinding he’s doing. 

“Okay so someone’s gonna have to say something at some point.” dirk pulls you out of your train of thought.

“i’ll just see you later, bro.” you abscond faster than john does when y’all show up at his house with cakes on his birthday. 

john comes over later that night, when you’re laying in bed, like fucking usual. you really need to stop handing out keys to your apartment like they’re fucking candy. 

“Hey Dave.” 

“what up john” 

“I just, didn’t want you to be upset that I was seeing Karkat today, so I thought I should come over, spend some time with you”

“dude i know you’re friends. you’re one of like three people who can actually stand to hang out with him, it’s fine.” 

it’s not really fine, but that’s fine. 

“Okay, well, I also got this new game today, want to play with me? I brought two copies and my own laptop so we can play at the same time!”

“no offense egbert but last time you wanted to play a game with me shit didn’t go so well” 

you play the stupid game though, because it’s just some fucking zombie rpg. 

a week later, roxy’s throwing a party. probably you should go, but you know damn well karkat is gonna be there. little shit would never let you see him back down on your behalf. you want to skip this shit, don’t want to see him, would much rather mope at home, but you aren’t about to let him beat you in this game of shitty break up chicken. 

so you put on your fancy as shit black suit and make sure you’re wearing your iShades instead of your regular shades in case you need a quick mental escape from the bullshit you are almost definitely going to be dealing with. you don’t bring any of your liquor, because damn is it not a classy move to bring booze to the party of a former alcoholic. you definitely plan on making yourself a real strong drink when you get home, though, and take a quick swig of whiskey for the road. 

the party isn’t as bad as you had anticipated. it’s the first chance you’ve had to hang out with most of the trolls since they arrived. you missed them. some of them. ones that aren’t even karkat. tz was one of your best fucking friends, and you spent at least a year’s worth of time hanging out with kanaya. even fucking tavros you’d missed running into once the dream bubbles stopped. 

you spend the night hanging with them, showing them your raps, asking about alternia. you’re a little creeped out that tavros is getting his matesprit on with gamzee, and that he and vriska are hardcore blackrom flirting in front of the people they’re red dating, but the trolls seem down with it so whatever, fuck it. 

you’re making a point of not going into the room that you know karkat is in, and if you know him- which you motherfucking do- he’ll be doing the same thing until he hits a breaking point, decides it’s bullshit he can’t walk into a room because of you. he’ll come in fuming, yell something loud at the person you’re talking to. really you aren’t in the mood for that shit. you gave him about two hours in your head to reach that breaking point, decide to head home fifteen minutes before that marker. easy breezy. 

it kind of feels shitty leaving without seeing him, but it’s better than letting him cause a scene in front of everyone. you’re kind of a master at looking like the good guy when someone’s making a scene with you. karkat’s going through enough shit, doesn’t need everyone thinking he’s being an unreasonable prick. he is being an unreasonable prick, but you guess maybe that’s half of why you’re so crazy about him. fuck. 

getting home feels worse than leaving the party. it’s not like you have any real world experience of what it’s like to get back to your apartment after a night out and have someone be there waiting for you, but it feels like shit always returning to an empty house. nights like this, you just slip into bed, surf the internet with your phone until your eyes hurt so much you have to sleep. you’re doing just that, facing the wall, starting to drift off, when you hear someone unlocking the door to your apartment.

your friends are sweet, really, but this coming over unannounced shit is getting out of hand. you don’t bother turning over to see who’s there. you know it has to be john. 

“john, thanks for coming man, but can we not do this tonight” 

you expect to hear that classic egbert uncomfortable giggle followed by a long ass explanation of why he isn’t going to leave and what the two of you are going to do that would be more fun. 

except all you hear is these loud footsteps clunking across your floor, shoes being tossed to the ground, someone crawling under the covers next to you and slinging an arm around your torso. 

“YOU DIDN’T SAY GOODBYE AT THE PARTY” 

“oh my god i’m hallucinating fuck” 

“THIS IS A SHITTY TIME FOR YOUR SARCASM NOOK WIT” 

“are you telling me you’re actually spooning me right now, all up behind me with your arm embracing my manly abs” 

“I WON’T BE FOR LONG IF YOU KEEP TALKING LIKE THAT.” 

you have no idea what the fuck you’re supposed to be doing, but you don’t want this to stop. you end up lacing your fingers through his, grasping onto his wrist with your free hand to hold him in place. 

“you should be here when i wake up in the morning.” 

he doesn’t respond, just buries his face into the back of your neck. you can tell he hasn’t decided what the morning’s gonna look like yet. it’s still easier for you to fall asleep like this than it has been in months. 

you notice he’s not there next to you the instant you come back into consciousness. for a split second, you panic. the asshole left. this is actually some straight up bullshit, karkat. 

but then you hear him, at your computer, slamming furiously into your keyboard. 

hell. fucking. yes. 

“you having some trouble with that game there karkles?” you roll over, open your eyes to see him kneeling in your computer chair, wearing nothing but boxers and a t-shirt. 

this is perfect. 

“HOW THE FUCK HAVE YOU NOT CHANGED YOUR COMPUTER PASSWORD IN THREE YEARS, DAVE?” he’s trying to change the subject. fucking adorable. 

“dude you’re playing on easy, i see that shit. get it together.” you have no idea what difficulty he’s playing on, but you love seeing him all riled up. 

“IF YOU’RE DONE BERRATING ME FOR HAVING DIFFICULTY WITH A GAME I’VE NEVER PLAYED BEFORE, I MADE YOU BREAKFAST DIP SHIT.” he spins around in the chair, character having just been shot, points out to the rest of your apartment. 

you hop out of bed, scoop him up onto your shoulders and piggy-back him into the kitchen. sort of piggy-back. piggy-back as much as you can piggy-back someone who’s trying to claw your eyes out. 

the little shit made pancakes and bacon. when the fuck did he learn to cook like this? back on the meteor, you were lucky if you could get him to properly alchemize a pop-tart. 

“dude you made this yourself?” he can hear the “how the fuck” in your tone, you know he can. 

“I WAS TAKING CARE OF GAMZEE ON… WHEREVER THE FUCK WE CAME FROM. ALTERNIA THREE OR SOME SHIT. COOKING HELPED HIS RAGE ATTACKS.” he just shrugs, pours an ungodly amount of syrup onto his plate. 

wow, right. you guys aren’t just picking back up from where you left off. you’ve got three years of karkat to learn about, here. 

“you still writing that diary” perfect way to find out what his life has been like without you.

“IT’S NOT A DIARY, STRIDER, IT’S A JOURNAL, FILLED MOSTLY WITH FICTION.” 

“so that’s a yes” 

“LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, I MAKE YOU THESE DELICIOUS ROUND FLUFFY DISKS FOR BREAKFAST AND YOU SIT HERE AND TRY TO EMBARRASS ME THE ENTIRE MEAL?” he’s pointing at the pancakes like they’ve personally offended him. 

“just thought it would help me catch up with what’s been going on with you.” 

“AS IF YOU KNOW I WOULDN’T LOVE TELLING YOU.” he rolls his eyes. 

“wanna get back into bed and marathon-story everything that’s happened to us the past three years? order takeout and shit for dinner?” 

“YOU’D BETTER DO THESE DISHES FIRST. YOUR APARTMENT IS A FUCKING MESS. BIG SURPRISE, THERE.” he puts his empty plate in the sink, saunters back to your room. 

okay. guess you’re doing some dishes. 

you spend the rest of the day shifting positions in your bed, listening to him talk, interjecting with your bullshit sarcastic comments. you learn he was a god on alternia, an elected official, and he probably wasn’t so good at it. he was miserable there, only ever talked to kanaya and gamzee. spent most of his time cleaning up after the juggalo’s messes. he’s kept up with his writing bullshit, has a bunch of poetry and original fiction he makes you read. you poke fun at most of it, even though some of it is actually pretty damn impressive. 

he tells you, full of pride, he’s grown three inches, to reach a staggering total of five feet five inches tall. right giant, we’ve got here. he lets you feel his grub scars, look into the rings around his pupils that are beginning to fill up candy red. he pushes back his sleeves, let’s you trace every scar with your fingertips, kiss the ones that are still scabbing over. he’s telling you about the ones on his legs, the ones he punctured into his skin to map out the sky above your head, when the indian takeout arrives, and you’re so fucking glad you have an excuse to throw your glasses on and run to the door so he can’t see the guilty look on your face, the tears in your eyes. 

he asks you what life is like on this version of earth, who you talk to, what you do with your time. he gives you shit for always being in bed when he would have visions of you. he wants to know why you live alone, how you feel about john dating your teen mom, what it’s been like hanging out with your teen bro, if you’ve seen the shitty SBAHJ tattoos he and his boyfriend have. he wants to know if you’d ever get a tattoo, hits you when you tell him you want to get a portrait of his face on your ass. 

you ask him to feel the manly stubble you’ve been growing on your face. he tells you he’s glad you shave it off every morning. he asks to take off your shirt, look at your chest, really inspecst it. you let him run his too-smooth hands all over your pecs, tell him you cried in front of all your friends when you saw yourself in the right body for the first time in your life. he asks if you still want to find a way to get “human male genitalia”, and you tell him you aren’t sure, but you’ve got a lot of toys you’d love to try out with him that could give him a little preview of what that’d be like. 

later, he wants you on top of him, under the sheets, covered in sweat, feeling him writhe inside of you. he wants you whispering his name in his ear when he makes you orgasm once, twice, a third time. he cums with his arms wrapped around you, hands in your hair, saying he loves you. you both check the color of his genetic fluid. it’s back to normal, back to walking the line between flushed and caliginous. 

when you manage to pull yourselves off each other, you sit in opposite ends of the bathtub, putting on fake bubble beards and splashing water in each other’s faces until you’re both prune-y and red-eyed. 

it’s not until you’re on the sofa later, showing him the joy that is pizza while he attempts to maneuver around the too-long-for-him sleeves of one of your shirts that he says it, the thing you’ve both been afraid of all day. 

“I HAVEN’T FORGIVEN YOU.” 

yeah, that hurts just about as much as you thought it would.

“yeah karkat, i know.” 

“BUT I THINK IT’S FUCKING STUPID FOR ME TO HAVE TO BE MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU MADE SOME BULGE SUCKING DECISIONS” 

that feels a lot better. 

“so what are we gonna do.” 

“WELL, I’M GOING TO MOVE ALL MY SHIT IN HERE. AND YOU’RE GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR FUCKING LIVES MAKING SURE I DON’T MOVE THEM BACK OUT.” 

“do i get a prize when you forgive me”

“YEAH, SURE, MY BULGE IN YOUR FACE” 

“pretty sure i could get that anyway.” 

“FUCK OFF.” 

“i love you too, fucking nerd.” 

“THEY WANT TO TAKE ON SKAIA AGAIN, YOU KNOW.” 

“yeah. i know. i do, too, i guess. shit kind of feels unfinished, you know?” 

“YOU’D BETTER NOT PULL SHIT LIKE THIS AGAIN NEXT TIME” he says it like he knows you won’t. which is, shit, which is so much nicer than when you left the meteor, when both of you knew, could just fucking feel, that some terrible shit was about to go down. 

“has anyone shown you alpha dave’s sweet bro and hella jeff movies yet” 

“OH, JESUS, DON’T PUT THAT SHIT ON, IT’S FUCKING BAD ENOUGH YOU’VE BEEN KEEPING UP WITH THE COMIC” 

“woah, you’re the one who’s been apparently reading all that shit” 

he eats the last slice of pizza when you’re distracted setting up the movie, so you spend the first fifteen minutes of the film kissing him into the couch so he’s real confused about the plot. sweet fucking revenge.

**Author's Note:**

> they're in LOVE, and y'all are great. thanks for sticking through this readers, you da best.
> 
> also y'all should follow me at corybanticgloom.tumblr.com let's be bros <3


End file.
